shewillbe;;

2010-10-18T22:47:00.000-06:00

I just wish for just one day, ONE DAY.. the drama would stop following you. And it could be just you and me. One on one. No text messeges every two seconds. No phone calls interupting. No nothing. Just me and you. After all. I am your. YOUR girlfriend. idiot.

2010-10-11T18:10:00.000-06:00

..a kiss with a fist, is better than none..

update!

2010-10-10T12:51:00.003-06:00

Week one in my new town at my new job.
I survived!!
Working with autistic children is definitely a different experience.
Something i thought would be a nice change from my normal job.
But wow.
Its similar in so many ways.
I can honestly say I love my new job.
Im catching on quite nicely and I will start night classes in January.(That is ALL paid for by my employer)
Living arrangements didnt quite work out the way I had planned.
But I have a sweet room in a monstrous house.
My parents are going to let me store my things at their place until I find a place of my own, which Im hoping to do come January or February.
(Right now Im living with my boss and her family, its actually really nice.. and Im comfortable in their home, which is a HUGE plus)

My relationship status?? Still taken. I am still seeing the same girl, my ginger.. although her hair is now black. And we are making things work while living in separate homes for the time being and I personally think thats best for our situation. I see her everyday on my lunch breaks. Lunch breaks involve sitting in the park with slurpee's, holding hands and talking.
She takes me out on dates usually every night.. so Im still quite spoiled with her. She even paid for my gas to drive back home this weekend for thanksgiving and to get more things to bring back "home".
We had a great start and a rocky patch, but things are getting better. And now that Im at my parents place, its hard to imagine ever even had lived apart from her.

My recovery! Im doing quite well to say the least! I was up and putsing around the day after my surgery. I was bound and determined not to let it keep me in bed like an invalid. I current have two scars. One on each hip bone. And the large incision is taking its time healing. Its ugly. And I'll have a nasty scar. But chicks dig scars.. right? :) (kidding).
Im working. Its only been just about 2 weeks post op. Which is kind of crazy. But Its all good. And Im doing well. Ginger likes my scars. So I guess we'll have to keep them!

All in all Im doing great. Im getting ready for halloween. I have 90% of costume. And Im so excited. Seriously. Im being a naughty cop and ginger is my in-mate. It fits perfectly for anyone who knows us in person, and the current "rocky" situation. ha. Shes great. :) Anyways.
I'll update when I can! Ciao!

2010-10-06T07:48:00.000-06:00

..because if you play with fire you're gonna get burned..

2010-10-05T07:25:00.000-06:00

im no longer strong enough to realize it will never change. crawling back i go, to promises of new beginnings. stronger love. and no more lies. i just want love. real love. i hope she'll understand.

2010-10-04T23:38:00.000-06:00

..shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice..

..ive never tasted revenge, but they say its sweet..each lie you told..each fist you raised..every tear you made me cry..i don't think you're ready for the games im only about to begin..this time..i'll swing right back..

2010-09-29T18:39:00.003-06:00

So its the 29th!
I didnt blog yesterday morning because I was WAY too busy with getting ready for the surgery... and plus they called me at 10:30am asking if I could come in for the surgery asap. So we headed to the hospital and I was on the operating table by 12.

Mum and dad came with me. And Erin surprised me with Daisies and magazines and a stuffed puppy that looks just like Angus! Erin stayed with mum and dad untill I came out of recovery, then she left for work.

I peed once and then they let me be discharged at like..4pm? So it really wasnt too bad.

Im not gonna lie. I started crying when they put the oxygen mask on me. The IV didnt even hurt. And I was talking about my piercings and tatts with my main nurse for the surgery. But the second they put the oxygen mask on me. I started bawling. My nurse told me.. "Just pretend your on the beach in Cuba".. "Been there, done that" I said to her. "Well think of that then sweets" She told me. So I remember telling myself over and over.. "Its Christmas, Amanda and I are on the beach in Cuba" (Which is our plan for Christmas anyway). So thats what I thought about while I dozed off.

When I woke up the nurse told me I had been asking for Amanda since the second the breathing tube came out. Ha. They told me there was no nurse named Amanda.. LOL. Then once I woke up abit more I asked for Amanda again and told they that was my girlfriend!! :) Too funny.

So I have some excellent news and I truely believe it is because the prayers and thoughts that everyone sent me!!

The tumour was able to be removed on its own. The doctor was able to save my ovary and my fallopian tube. Thank Goodness!! I have never been so happy. We had orignally thought from the ultrasounds that the tumour was wrapped around the ovary, but the doctor was able to cut the tumour right off. It did get sent away to find out if it was benign or not. So one last hurdle to over come.

Thanks so much for all your prayers, thoughts, and warm wishes.
Im doing well right now! Im in alot of pain, but thats all expected. I have 4 incisions, one on each hip bone, one through my belly button, and one alone my pubic hair line. They all hurt like hell and if Im not taking tylenol and advil every 2 hours I cant even stand straight or walk. So Im definately keeping myself medicated.

I'll also make a pretty cute preggo lady! My stomach is swollen and I look pregnant. But its cute. :) haha.

I'll update in a few days. :)

2010-09-27T17:16:00.003-06:00

Hi!!!
So basically the past few days Ive just been prepping for surgery. Mentally and emotionally. Ive had a few "cry baby" days. Where I just want to cry. Mostly because Im scared of what the final outcome will be. A hysterectomy. Im seriously hoping its just the right ovary and fallopian tube though. *fingers crossed*.
Today has been clear fluids only. At my pre-op a few days ago the nurse gave me two laxatives that I was saposed to take. I was refusing to take them. Because I didnt want to. And because I can move my bowels just fine on my own. Anyways.. I know its gross. And up untill 2am I wasnt going to take them. But I had a phone call with my girlfriend.. and she pulled the "if you loved me you'd do this" blah blah blah. So I took them.
The reason I needed to take them is because I need my ENTIRE bowel to be emptied because the ovaries are kind of close to the bowel, and she could puncture the bowel if it was full.. so gross.. sorry again.
So anyways. Because I love my girlfriend!.... I took the first laxative at noon. It was a powder that I mixed with water. No big deal. Nothing happened untill 4pm... when I saposed to take the second one.. Well.. I will spare you details.. But describe it in two words.. Liquid explosion!!! Times a million!!
Im currently working on the second laxative drink. Im having a harder time choking it down. Maybe because I know what the outcome will be. Oh well.
Tomorrows the big day. I'll blog in the morning before surgery. And let you know how terrified I am!! :D
Cheers!!

2010-09-26T15:40:00.000-06:00

if you think this is for you.. it probably is.. text me.. please?

C is for Cancer.

2010-09-24T19:48:00.003-06:00

I dont know who even reads this thing.
Ive been putting off posting about this because Im terrified. And frankly, only 2 people know about it, not including my own mother.
I'll start from the beginning.

As you may (Or may not) have read, I have a cyst on my right ovary. Ive been going to the doctor every few months to have it monitored. They take my blood. Make me pee in a cup. And of course, they do an external and internal(I hate these) ultrasound.
I didnt mind going. And the cyst had stayed the same size actually. The doctor had put me on YAZ, a birthcontrol in hopes it would help "bump" the cyst and make it move and go away on its own.

I had been going close to every 3 months to have these appointments. Last monday I had another one. My specialist sent me to the "Womans Imaging Centre" for the ultra sound to have a better picture taken. We were actually hoping that this check up would be the one where they told me the cyst was gone and I was healthy again.

I had the ultra sound but when it was done the tech asked me to get dressed and wait for the radiologist to come and go over the results. I was feeling quite confident that the cyst was gone. So I sat waiting for the good news.
The radiologist came in the room with my ultrasound printed off and some other papers. He sat down beside me and my heart dropped. He then explained to me that the cyst had grown, and it was now cancerous. I almost had a heart attack right there. I could hardly keep in the tears as one tear rolled down my cheek.
I dont remember what else he said. All I heard was the word cancer. I went out to my car, called my mom crying and then went back to work to finish my shift.

The next day I had an appointment with my specialist who went over the results with me. Basically she told me I NEEDED to have surgery and have my ovary and fallopian tube removed. Because the cyst wasnt going to go anywhere, and it was growing, and was now cancer. She told me I'd have surgery likely mid October. But the other day I got a phone call at work telling me they had a cancellation. I was now going for surgery on Tuesday, the 28th.

Today I had my pre-op. And I hated it. They took blood. Made me pee in a cup. Made me take off my bra and get a chest xray. I hate hospitals. And my anxiety was at least a 12 on a scale of 1 to 10. And I was getting grumpier by the minute the longer they made me wait to do something. And then the worst was the stupid nurse who came in to give me a "prep" talk about my surgery. She can go jump off a cliff. (Sorry I know thats not nice.. but seriously.. she was rude. And made me even more nervous about the whole thing). Exsample. I told her I was really freaked out by the idea of having a breathing tube.. and I told her if I woke up and it was in place I would probably panic and try pulling it out. She says to me. "Well if you pull it out it needs to come out anyways right". Oh my gosh. Seriously?! That really makes me comfortable about the whole thing. Thanks.

Ugh. Im not looking forward to having this surgery. And facing it alone. :( . I wish I was in a relationship. That I had a girlfriend to see me in the hospital. And bring me a blue gerber daisy and apple juice. And climb into the hospital bed with me and rub my hair while I sleep.
Unfortunately I'll be there alone. Im not letting my parents come with me. My mom just makes me even more anxious and angry because she freaks out and it makes me freak out.

I dont know. I guess with the whole cancer/surgery thing my depression isnt getting any better. I thought things were looking up, but of course as soon as things look up they down just as fast. It sucks.

I'll keep you updated though.

2010-09-10T20:39:00.000-06:00

..i fell in love with a careless mans careful daughter..

2010-09-06T19:48:00.003-06:00

finding a job in the town i am relocating to is proving to be harder than i thought.
im trying not to let it upset me.
i emailed my resume. and i'll call back again tomorrow.
i know im more than qualified to start a position in the new town.
its just getting everything transfered over. (its the same union and all)
so im hoping to have it all figured out before i actually leave.
if not i'll figure it out when i get there.
gingers not expecting rent for 2 months.
so that will help IF i have troubles finding a job. (which i shouldnt)
anyways. new puppy is growing like a weed. hes a little turkey and i love him to pieces.

2010-09-05T17:10:00.000-06:00

why hello blond hair.
why hello new tattoo.
-- :D --

2010-09-01T21:14:00.000-06:00

I wish I could tell myself that I'll handle this situation like a normal adult. But who am I trying to kid. I'm FAR from normally.

Whenever something gets tough. Or I get thrown out of my comfort zone. Or even out in a situation where I'm forced to "trust" everything will be okay - I just can't handle it. My anxiety goes up the wall. And my brain can't even begin to comprehend how I am going to survive.

I'm 23. I started SI (self-injury) my first year of bible school. I was 18. I realized how NOT perfect my life was amoung the pastors kids, and alumni's kids. I came from a family of non-practicing Christians. I lost my virginity at 17 in the back seat of car. I drank. I lied. I cheated. And it hit me pretty fast at bible school. So I borrowed my room mates seam ripper.. And I started cutting, tearing into my skin with a dull blade.
There, in my bible school dorm room I began the worst possible way of "healing".

When people started to notice my wounds I got more cautious of where I'd cut. I stopped for awhile after promising an ex-lover I wouldn't inflict scars on my body. But the anger and hurt that built up got so bad, I started a cycle of making myself vomit. I'd stuff myself full of food only to force it all back up. And that's where I'm at now.

I will admit. When things get tough. I eat, then vomit. Or sometimes I'll just vomit to vomit. The pleasure that comes along with that release is something I can't explain.

But I can explain I'm facing a difficult situation. I'm to "trust" that its going to work out. And that everything will stay the same in a world where tomorrow isn't even certain.

I'm disgusting. And right now I wish I could be "normal". Normally don't plan to fast for 3 days to feel the hunger pains. Then indulge like a pig and puke for hours after.
Normally people don't think of hiding in a bathroom on there lunch break with a butter knife and trace old scars to remember the pain.
I wish I could be normal. But in stead I'm plotting ways to get through this - ways that won't help anyone.
I'm beyond frustrated that this is how I am. That instead of going out and living life today I cried and stayed on the couch replaying worst case scenarios in my head.
I'm so pathetic I almost can't stand it.

2010-08-31T13:06:00.002-06:00

Ive been preparing myself for my move! Even though its a little over a month and a half away Im still getting anxious. Im sure my nerves wont stop untill Im all moved in and settled. :) But today I started cleaning.
Angus woke me up at about 11am to pee. So we, uh.. well I started cleaning then. :)
I got my kitchen done. Dishes done. Kitchen floor, counters, fridge, stove.. ect.
Then the living room. I dusted. Vacuumed. And cleaned up puppies toys. (He started getting annoying so I put him in his kennel so I could get the vacuuming done without him biting the cord and strangling himself.) Once I was done all that I put put out tons of papers for Angus. Hes been having more accidents lately.. probably because I work full time and Im not always home to be consistent with his paper training. But Ive had three days off and he is doing better.
I then moved on to the bathroom. (I actually enjoy cleaning the bathroom.. so that wasnt a problem) Then I moved on my bedroom. Gah. Ive been putting it off because I have WAY to much stuff. And I knew I'd have to tackle it at some point and start getting rid of things so I could make my move as LIGHT as possible. So I went through my closet. And got rid of TWO GIANT bags of clothes. ANd then another big bag of shoes. And then a bag of random things that are just sitting in closet that I never bother to use.. (Alarm clock.. sun glasses.. random art) You know.
So now all thats is left is to vacuum my bedroom floor. And then wash my blankets and sheets. So todays been pretty productive. Its almost 2pm. So I think puppy and I will have a nap, then I need to shower and drop these bags off to goodwill. And drop off my old text books to a friend who is taking the same course as I am. Busy day. AND OH. I almost forgot. Ginger is coming to see me today. She leaves tomorrow to work at a bible camp in northern Manitoba. Shes gone for two weeks. And then Im gone to Flin Flon for a week. And then I move in with her the week after!! Pretty busy and exciting.. and holy doodle.. I move in 4 weeks..!!!

jnklj

2010-08-20T21:02:00.002-06:00

i sometimes struggle with the idea that i am good enough.
i know it sounds silly. but its true. and i hate it.

this one girl. "ginger".
shes liked me for over a year.
and i mean liked me, for me.
not because im "beautiful" or whatever.
shes seen me at my worst.
and knows every darkest secret i have.
and yet shes still there.
she still reminds me that im "amazing".
and still encourages me in ways no one has.
shes a christian. like me.
and she understands what i go through in that way.
ive pushed her away so many times.
i couldnt even begin to count.
but yet shes still there.
my little "ginger".

she offered me something life changing about a month ago.
something i had to think about.
she offered me a place to stay. with her. in a different city.
a place where no body knows my name.
the rumours about me dont exist.
and i cant start over. brand new.

this took alot of thought. prayer. questions. and soul searching.
but after i found out that my union is the same union in her city.
and i could get a job doing the same thing, virtually no problem.
how could i not say yes.

so im doing it.
nov 1st.
im packing up my little life.
and heading south. (at least i think its south)

and guess what.
i added a new addition to my little family. (which consisted only of me before)
i got a puppy. hes 8 weeks old. and he is adorable.
let me tell you.
he melts my heart.
and hes only peed on my floor twice.
(both times were my fault.. i forgot puppies pee right when then wake up oops)
anyways.
my little man.
he weights 1.5lbs right now. and his name.
his name is Angus.
<3>

jskdlgjflgjdfg

2010-08-14T17:01:00.002-06:00

i can't tell you what it really is,
i can only tell you what it feels like..

i can't breathe
but i still fight
while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right
it's like i'm in flight

and i love it the more that i suffer
i suffocate
and right before i'm about to drown
she resuscitates me

you ever love somebody so much
you can barely breathe
when you're with them
you meet
and neither one of you
even know what hit 'em
so they say it's best
to go your separate ways
guess that they don't know ya
cause today
that was yesterday
yesterday is over
it's a different day
sound like broken records
playin' over

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine

...

2010-08-08T19:51:00.002-06:00

life, as always is seeming to begin to look up.
i got in my car and drove 2.5 hours to visit a friend.
we made a few quick stops.
then ended up at the lake for a camping adventure.
probably the best thing i could have done.
know why?
i made a new friend.
HE was in my shoes last year. (depression, suicidal.. ect)
he really i guess.. well.. at first he hurt my feelings.
i really hate when people try and THINK they know how I feel, or what im feeling.
and i hate when people think im only looking for a pity party.
IM SO NOT.
depression is real.
anyways.
he said some things that hurt my feelings.
but after we all went to bed.
i had some time to think.
and he was only being honest.
i cant let depression win.
and in order for me to win i need to get up.
i need to accept the fact that sometimes life isnt fair.
and "pull up my big girl panties" and just live. live. live.
so needless to say i woke up with a somewhat new outlook on life.
and ive been trying to be "happier".

this boy that i met.
he also made me angry in a different way.
he told me that if i commited suicide, i would go to hell...
OH NO YOU DIDNT!!.
the claws came out when he made that comment.
and im sure me arguing made everyone around the camp fire abit anxious.
"you know what. i believe that jesus christ is a man who died on the cross for MY SINS. he knows my heart. and everything ive gone through, he has put me through and been there through it. he knows what i can handle. how dare you say he could send me to hell. not to mention. i am a lesbian. so if hes sending me to hell for being depressed im sure i have a one way ticket there for being gay."
i hate hate hate hypocritical Christians. you know.
but dont get me wrong. being raised in the baptist church i understand where they are coming from.
but.
i am me.
and i do believe that jesus christ loves me.
and died for my sins.
this post went on a far tangent than what I was originally posting.

but life is looking up. i guess thats all i wanted to say.

i will.

2010-07-27T23:14:00.002-06:00

blonde hair.
[blondes have more fun]
new tattoos.
[no pain no gain]
ultimate weight loss.
[its amazing what not eating and vomiting can do]

im the same old me.
a little less broken.
a little more strong.
but you know.
like the phoenix.
i will rise.

uuup date.

2010-07-24T18:46:00.003-06:00

Life waits for no one.
So live each day as if it was your last.
No regrets.

I applied for my nursing finally.
I talked to this guy about funding since Im metis.
Which is amazing. No more stupid student loans.
I applied in Regina. Moose Jaw. Lloyd and Edmonton.
I want Moose Jaw first. And then Regina. And then Lloyd.
Oh, And theres a school here called GTI, but they dont offer the course untill 2011.

I reconnected with a friend about a month ago.
Shes always been there. And been annoying as hell.
But I guess I over looked that. She lives 2 hours from here.
But shes been there for me. Which I appreciate.
I was kinda down a week ago. And she knew..
Every morning I woke up with a "Good morning! Youre amazing.. dont forget" text.
Surprisingly enough it helped.
So her friend is a tattoo artist. Ive saw her portfolio. Shes great.
Im going to visit my friend in 2 weeks.
And her friend will tattoo me. I get two tattoos. For free.
Im so excited.
Im getting my "we accept the love we think we deserve"
And 'Dum Spiro Spero' Which is latin for "When I breathe, I hope"
It goes with my anxiety/panic attacks.. blah blah blah. ;)
And oh. My drive up, and back and a trip to the spa is all paid for.
By her.
Sounds like my kind of vacay. Free gas, free tattoo's, free spa..
I think its just what I need.

2010-07-17T17:33:00.002-06:00

I just have alot I have to get off my chest.
And I know you probably wont even read this, because you dont even know this blog exists. But maybe I'll be brave enough to send it to you a different way. Like email. Or something. But until then, It will have to do. Posted on my blog. Where no one will see.

I know that we didnt know each other ALL that LONG. But given the circumstances, of a long distances relationship... We talked via skype, and on the phone.. several times. Talking. Getting to know each other better. Better than most couples would I would say. Because we talked up to 6 up hours at time. Remember that? Sharing our life shories. Laughing. And being silly. And even just staring creepily at each other. But either way. We got to know each other. I started falling for you. And I know you started falling for me. Because we started an :addiction: so to speak. Needing to "chat" or Skype every day. And that was okay. Because we were both okay with it. And we both wanted to dive deeper into the other person and really get to know them.

Remember how brutally honest I always was. Telling you EVERYTHING. Even stuff that you didnt need to know. I know remember. And I know you do too. Because to be honest, I couldnt tell a lie to save my life. Ask anyone who knows me. I talk way too much. And the truth overflows like a goddamn foutain. Its a curse. But I cant help it. And Ive learnt people dont like always like the truth. But I'll always speak the truth. Because the truth is better than a lie.

Remember that night we skyped untill close to 3am. When I was to get in my car at 7am and come see you? I couldnt stop talking to you. Because I was so excited to FINALLY spend time with you in person. Even though there was storms in the forecast. I hadnt slept enough the night before. And I had an estimated 7 hour drive ahead of me... I packed my bags... and I got in my car. A little late.. but I did. And I drove to see you. Not even knowing what to expect. Because anyone can be anyone behind a computer screen.

When I finally made it to where you were. My heart beated like crazy. So crazy I thought I would faint.. or have a panic attack. But when I saw you standing in the drive way. It all went away. I knew everything would be fine. Because you were you. And I was me. And you were the person I had gotten to know.
Meeting your family was like I had known them forever. Laughing and having a freaking blast. And even meeting your friends... though I was nervous, I knew it'd be okay. Because if you liked me, they would too.

I loved the entire week spend together. Especially the first night we layed together. And it took me close to 1 hour of pondering whether or not I should kiss you. And then I finally did. And then I saw sparks. And felt something. Felt something I'd never felt before. I cant explain. But I know you understood.
I loved when you sang to me. That song that I loved. I loved your voice. And every freckle on your face. I loved how we could talk till 4am then sleep till 4pm. I loved how you held my hand and you let my hand go on the bottom. Everything little detail. I remember.
I loved you showing me your town. And introducing me to your extended family.. I only dreamed of the day that you'd meet mine. And how much we'd all get along.

You know. Again. Ask anyone. I have never EVER tried a drug in my entire life. So when your friends showed me that drug. It scared the shit of me. Yet it excited me. Because this was a whole knew world I'd never known. Being 23, I think theres alot I havent experienced. But Im okay with that. Im not naive, or sheltered... but I have boundries.. Make sense? Yeah it does.. because I told you. And you understood.
When your friends asked me to do that drug with them. I wont lie. I toyed with the idea in my head. I thought about it. But again. It scared me. When the said I could lie to you, and tell you it was just "e" I had taken.. it made me upset that they'd even suggest I lie to you. Because I care for you. And Ive been honest. So I opened my mouth. (the curse) And told you what the said. And yes your mom heard too. I just wanted you to know what they wanted me to do. Including lying to you... and doing the drug.
Of course you know I didnt do the drug. I told you that.
And you know. I know you think I was trying to come between you and your friend. And that hurts. ALOT. Because I liked your friend, so much. I trusted her. And I think she is an amazing person and an amazing friend to you. Nothing will change that and I love how strong your friendship is. I think its important to have close friends.. and thats something Ive never had. So of course I love that you can have that in her. Plus shes funny, sweet, and has a heart of gold. The only downfall, would be the drugs. But thats not my business. To each their own, and shes an adult. She can make her own choices.

What I really dont understand is how you know she does drugs. And you took her word over mine. Why would I lie about someone offering me drugs. Asking me to get high with them. Why would I lie about that? Did you ever think maybe she was just upset she got caught?

You know. It doesnt matter because your mind is made up. But I really dont think you gave me, or US a fair go. And it makes physically sick. I havent been able to eat since I came home. I vomit up everything. And I also cant sleep. My brain is working overtime thinking up explainations of how I screwed things up. Because even though it was short, our relationship was one of the best... it was the best I'd been in. I had never connected so well with anyone. And you know that.

It hurts me that you, and your family think that Im a liar. That I lied about your friends offering me those drugs. It sucks. And it hurts. Because Im not that girl ANYONE who knows me, knows that. And you know. I've probably cried way too many tears over it. And people say I should get over it. But I cant. Not untill I've said my peace. Given my last few words.

Because Shay, You know we were amazing. We connected so well. On SO many levels. And everyone saw it. So how can you just drop it this like it was nothing. I was MORE than honest with you about everything. Why would I lie about someone offering me a drug. I know shes your best friend. But you KNOW she does drugs. Thats whats making me so sick. You know she uses drugs, why would think she wouldnt offer me any??
Again shes a great girl I think shes amazing.. but I didnt lie Shay. And I think you know that.

I just wish you'd listen to me. Give me the benefit of doubt. Coming from me. A 23 year old woman. Who has never done a drug. Has never cheated, or intentionally hurt anyone... Me.. A girl who is crazy about you, and your beautiful personality. The way you laugh, the way you hold you my hand. The way you speak your mind and the way you let me speak mine. I love everything. The way we built a ginger bread house in July and how you gave me my first kiss in the rain.
Is it pathetic Im still crying about this? I think so. But I cant help it.
You know. I know you have me blocked on my FB. And that is the only way I can send this to you. I just wish you could read this. And that you could understand where Im coming from. Youre all Ive been able to think about. And how I want to try and fix this. Shay, I swear on my life... MY LIFE that I didnt lie to you, or your family.
If I wanted to drugs, God knows I could get them myself in Saskatoon. Why drive 7 hours and then lie about your friend offering to get me high.

It doesnt make sense Shay. And you know it.

2010-05-28T20:54:00.002-06:00

whats new with this girl?
the typical.
fell in love too fast.
and ended up heart broken.
as always.
i keep telling myself to slow down.
but i feel like im getting old to wait.
i want my happily ever after.
and i want it now. not later.

one year ago this month i tried killing myself.
i am overwhelmed with that thought.
and of course seem to battling depression yet again.
i fight through my days not to burst into tears.
and when im not working im curled in my bed thinking of how effed up my life is.
its pathetic. im pathetic.
but what can you do.

all my plans to run away and leave this province keep failing.
the bank wont give me a loan.
so i'll try every bank in this city untill i get one.
then im thinking edmonton will be my destination to take my nursing.

pride celebrations are in two weeks.
and because everyone in the community hates me and my current ex is a "celebrity"
i wont be celebrating pride.
im hoping to be able to fly to edmonton that week.
as they have their pride that week too.
but knowing my luck i wont have the time off work.
(yes there is someone in edmonton)

what else can i tell you.
my specialist put me on birth controll last month.
shes hoping it will give e a period.
(which is did)
to make me ovulate.
so that i can have a baby one day.
i cried at the intial appointment when i was told i wouldnt be able to concieve a baby.
i hated that i broke down.
but i did.
anyways. we tried the YAZ.
and it gave me a period. which means im ovlating. which means i can have a baby.
my specialist and i (and my mom) also talked about my options.
because i am a lesbian.
how i can get pregnant.
looks like it will cost anywhere between 50$ and 1.500$ for me.
depending on which route i go.

so thats all thats new.
im nursing a broken heart.
struggling with my depression.
im planning on running away.
and i want a baby within in the next year or two.
heres hoping.

2010-03-10T05:05:00.000-06:00

..because there's something about you.. ..i can take things slow.. ..one step at a time.. ..i can wait till you're ready.. ..because i trust you.. ..i can see you in my future.. ..and it doesn't scare me.. ..it actually makes me calm.. ..knowing that there is hope for me.. ..hope for me to maybe someday.. ..maybe someday have my happily ever after..

:D

2010-03-06T16:15:00.001-06:00

I really truly believe the best things in life happen when you least expect it. SERIOUSLY. :)
Who'd of freaking thought. <3 .

2010-02-28T03:20:00.002-06:00

i never cried over you.
and i still havent.
why cry over something so small. you know?
yeah it fucking hurts.
and my heart aches.
and im terrified i'll be single forever, because no one can stay in love with me.
but you know.
whatever.
im fine.
im okay.
im beautiful.
and just because you didnt want me doesnt mean that maybe someone else might.
so im single.
yet again.
i know im gonna be okay.
but you know.
i still see sparks when i look in your eyes.

jasf.

2010-02-24T19:34:00.000-06:00

i wish i could move on as easy as you;;
but unlike you, my feelings were true.

2010-02-22T05:10:00.000-06:00

I went to church today. For the first time in 3 years. My heart has been broken over and over ever since I admitted I was a lesbian. Today, I bowed my head and prayed. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to allow myself to hurt or to be hurt. I realized though that it is my fault for allowing all this to happen. I won't allow that anymore. Today I decided that I'm done with all that. I deserve my happily ever after. And i'll wait for that. No more happily "dating".

2010-02-22T05:04:00.000-06:00

"I told him I was meeting you. He said you sound like Hollywood"

"I am Hollywood"

2010-02-21T02:51:00.000-06:00

the pain in my heart over flows.
an ache like no other. i cant find relief.
i keep hoping its all just a dream.
a sick joke.
that you'll come back to me again.
love me again.
but my mind plays these tricks.
i know youve found better.
found better than me.

2010-02-19T15:34:00.003-06:00

I'd be lying if I said I was okay with your decision.
It fucking sucks.
And I kind of hate it.
Its not fair.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to let me make you happy...
Like I did before you left.

update.

2010-02-17T15:19:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I had my appt at the specialists office for my cysts. It went well I guess. My gyno is young, and she is a woman which is ALOT better than having a man for a doctor in my eyes. She was very understanding and helpful and explained alot of what "could be" happening inside my body.

Although everything is normal, we still dont know why I am not menstruating. Its been almost a year. We talked about the different possibilities, none of which scared me. She did an internal exam. (I really hate these. Ive had four since Jan 1st and I have a feeling with more upcoming appt's they wont be my last. Why do I hate them? They hurt. ALOT. And they bring back terrible flashbacks and night mares that I dont want to relive.) But she had to do an internal exam and she noticed that I was "tender" in a spot I shouldnt have been. She didnt say why or why not that was, but I am booked in for an ultrasound March 2nd. And then another one in April. Plus I go back and see her middle of March. Ugh. The process seems so long and strenuous. The good thing is that she is hoping I WONT need surgery to remove the cysts. But agian only time will tell. (She even told me the technical size of the cysts and where they were
located.. what an amazing Doctor.. my family doctor wouldnt even say BOO about it)

We talked about other things too, as I had many questions about this whole situation and she really brought clarity to the whole thing. Again. Shes a great doctor.
She sent me home with a prescription for 10 pills. The reason of the pills is to try and start a period. Whether or they work is beyond me. My doctor wasnt sure if they would work or not. She also sent me for CRAZY amounts of blood work. The most blood theyve ever taken! And of course I had to piss in a cup. These tests are all for my hormone levels to see whats out of wack. The doctor was pretty certain she knew what was wrong, but she had to wait for the test results first. Then she thinks I'll be on a hormone replacement for a little bit.
But Im happy that I went and Im happy I am starting to get answers.

On another note. I came out at work. It went surprisingly well. And I am glad that I did it. The ladies I work with are all my moms age. So they are older. I am one of the youngest on my floor. They said that they wouldnt have even guessed. And that they are happy I told them. They of course said they want me to be happy. Which I assured them I am.

My room mate is frustrating me beyond belief. I have been a vegetarian since the end of Dec(Its going well. I dont crave beef as much as I thought I would. I still eat fish, and chicken though). I also am trying to eat organic. I buy soy milk, and the good bread with the seeds in it. Also I bought some special soy brick cheese, and special yogourt and what not. Anyways. She keeps eating my food. Its really getting on my last nerve.Not to mention she doesnt clean up after herself. Shes messy as hell and she cant take a hint.
Ugh. She wanted to live here through the summer but Im going to tell her once school is done, she has to find a new place to live. Ive never had a room mate before. Ive only lived with boyfriends. Which is WAY different than living with a complete stranger. :( So frustrating.
I do believe everything happens for a reason, and then in time things work out the way they are saposed to be. So heres to waiting.

uuupppppdate.

2010-02-11T17:14:00.003-06:00

ugh.
something that pisses me off lately.
im not "out" to EVERYONE at work.
the majority yes. but not EVERYONE.

i work with 98% women.

theres a man who works in a different department.
who recently has taken an interest in me.
hes double my age. single. never been married.
and hes a grumpy old man to everyone.... except to me.
he started asking around.
and eventually he was finding things out about me.

someone thought it would be great to give him my phone number.
so hes started calling me.
and going out of his way to find to me when im at work.
he comes up and starts conversations.
and he gives me special treats... cookies and peices of cake.. ice cream and such..
(all i throw in the garbage after he leaves)
*gags*

today in the staff room.
one lady. started asking me what my plans were for the weekend.
i said i didnt have any plans. just the usual. working out. and seeing friends.
"why dont you look for love? it is valentines day on sunday after all" she says.
"i dont need to look for love. i am content where i am" i replied.
and then she started singing some random love song i had never heard.
"well a certain someone.. told me that they called you twice last night..." she says.
i ignored her. and then Jill called. (saved by my girlfriend)

anyways. ive done well at avoiding this mans phone calls.
and i am not interested. (obviously)
for two reasons.
a.) i have a girlfriend.
b.) i DONT LIKE MEN.

so anyways.
my phone just started ringing. it was him.
i ignored the call.
i think that tomorrow i will come out fully at work.
i dont know how. and i dont know how people will react.
but i think its the only way to get the point across.
obviously saying Im not interested doesnt help.

the man is gone on holidays after today. thank goodness.
i saw him creeping behind the trees when i was walking to my car.
he was watching me. it scared the shit out of me.
men seriously creep me out.
maybe because ive been molested as a child. and raped.
theres just something about men. *shudders*
anyway.
i think coming out at work to the few people who dont already know needs to be done.

incase you didnt know.

2010-02-07T18:21:00.003-06:00

i am a lesbian.

i am in love with an amazing woman.

this DOES NOT change the person i was before.

i am still me.
i still laugh at in-appropriate moments.
i talk way to much.
i cry a bit too easily.
i still complain.
i still wine when im sick.
i still like being the leader.
and i still thrive on knowing whats going on.
i still procrastinate.
i still enjoy arts and crafts.
i still love to sleep in past noon.
and eat more than i need of cereal.
i still have 30 second dance parties to music in my head.
and i still tell the same lame jokes, over and over.
i still bring up funny stuff that happened three years ago.
and i still laugh at random moments at something that happened last week.
i still value my family and love them even though they dont agree with me on my life.
im still in love with being in love.
and making the person i love feel loved.
i still obsess over the little things.
i still straighten my hair.
i still have the same dreams goals and ambitions.
i still believe my God.
i believe that Jesus Christ was a man who died for my sins.
and though i have troubles believing it at times,

i do believe that He does still love me.

i am a lesbian.

and i am in love with an amazing woman.

that DOES NOT change who i am. and who i will be.

2010-02-07T17:21:00.003-06:00

i find the map and draw a straight line
over rivers, farms, and state lines
the distance from 'A' to where you'd be
it's only finger-lengths that i see
i touch the place where i'd find your face
my finger in creases of distant dark places

i hang my coat up in the first bar
there is no peace that i've found so far
the laughter penetrates my silence
as drunken men find flaws in science

their words mostly noises
ghosts with just voices
your words in my memory
are like music to me

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground
i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

after i have travelled so far
we'd set the fire to the third bar
we'd share each other like an island
until exhausted, close our eyelids
and dreaming, pick up from
the last place we left off
your soft skin is weeping
a joy you can't keep in

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground
and i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

i'm miles from where you are,
i lay down on the cold ground
and i, i pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

2010-02-01T18:53:00.002-06:00

i have come to the realization that people are always going to talk.
if someone talks about you. makes things up about you...
they obviously are just jealous and have no life of their own so they have to try and make other peoples lives as sad and pathetic as there own.

so to you. the person who has been threatening me. and making up rumours. and making up lies. and talking shit. thank you for making me the centre of your little world.

But seriously. maybe its time you lived your own life.

cheers!

random.

2010-02-01T07:52:00.002-06:00

ive lived with anxiety pretty much my whole life even though i was just diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder last year.

i remember biting my nails from a really young age... i'd bite them as a way of dealing with the anxiety/stress i was dealing with. yes as a 5 year old i had stress. [[google selective mutism... thats me.. seriously]]

as i got older.. i tried to stop with the nail biting. and i replaced it with prayer/writing/religion. i started that in high school. i'd worship. go to church. youth group. ISCF. VBS. You name it, i did it.

then i lost my virginity. and somehow i didnt think "jesus" was going to cut it. so i started drinking. ALOT. i'd drink. and i'd party. and i was your typical bar star. drinking every weekend to take away the guilt and pain i felt from disappointing God by loosing my virginity before i was married.

eventually someone noticed i had a problem. and it was off to bible college i went. where i again, used religion to fix the void in my life. i prayed. i worshiped. i served my God in anyway i could.

well i finished bible college. and then i had my first lesbian experaince. so again. disappointing God i stopped with the religion. i didnt start drinking. i started cutting. when i felt extreme anxiety, stress, or felt like i was no longer in controll, i'd take a seam ripper and drag it across my skin.

i started dating an idiot named johnathon. the only good thing he did for me was he helped me stop cutting. i dont know how. but i did. so i stopped cutting. and then he filled the void. i gave him everything. and i was... whats the word... dependent? i dont know. anyways.

we finally broke up. i moved home. and then i was diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder, i was put on anxiety meds. and that helped. alot. but for whatever reason. when i started the anxiety meds. i started making myself vomit. not all the time. and not bulimia. just vomiting when im not in control. or when im hurting alot. its gross. i know. but i cant help it. i HAVE to do it. even if i try not too.. i end up crying so hard im heaving anyways. so i might as well just vomit and get it over with. and i dont know who even reads this thing at the moment. but i was doing well at not vomiting. almost two months. since jill left. i told her i wouldnt make myself puke while she was gone. but last night i had a major panic attack. and i had to throw up. no way around it.

anyways. this was saposed to be a positive post. right. oh. how i deal with that void now you ask? i run. sometimes twice a day. im at the gym. on the eliptical, on the tread mill, on the bikes. whatever i feel like. but yeah. its a much healthier way of dealing with that "void". thats all i wanted to say..

2010-01-31T18:26:00.001-06:00

..when the words you want are out of reach but they've never felt so loud..

ugh..

you know..

even though every word she said was a lie..

it still fucking hurts..

i miss her.

2010-01-22T21:13:00.002-06:00

dear jill,

theres something in your eyes,
makes me wanna loose myself,
makes me wanna loose myself in your arms.
theres something in your voice,
makes my heart beat fast,
hope this feeling lasts,
the rest of my life.

if you knew how lonely my life has been,
and how long ive been so alone.
and if you knew i wanted someone to come along.
and change my life the way youve done.

it feels like home to me.
it feels like home to me.
it feels like im all the way back where i come from.

a window breaks,
down a long dark street.
and a siren wails,
in the night.
but im all right,
cuz i have you here with me.
and i can almost see,
through the dark there is light.
if you knew how much this moment means to me.
and how long,
ive waited for your touch.
and if you knew how happy you are making me.
i never thought i'd love anyone so much.

it feels like home to me.
it feels like home to me.
it feels like im all the way back where i come from.

Love,
Starla

p,s
thanks to chantal kreviazuk for the song. ;)

a real post.

2010-01-19T19:38:00.003-06:00

I was told today that I have cysts on my right ovary.
But my left ovary is fine.
The doctor didnt seem worried when he told me.
The exam was disgusting. And Scary.
I felt violated. And I cried.
They put something inside me.
It hurt. They took pictures of my inside.
I cried.
I felt helpless. Scared. Vulnerable.
"havent you ever had sex"
the lab tech said to me.
I ignored her.
And I stared at the sign on the wall.
Waiting for it to be over.
I dressed quickly and ran to my car.
I drove home, having a panic attack.
I came home.Busied myself with cleaning.
And then went to sleep.
The phone rang several hours later and the doctor told me.
"You have cysts, youre booked in with the specialist in Feb. And we will do another ultra sound March 2nd"
---
"okay"
was all I could answer.
shocked. scared. terrified.
what if I couldnt have babies.
"cysts"
cancerous ones? what?
I called the doctor back an hour later and asked where the cysts were.
she explain only in one ovary.
I can still have children.
I am still healthy.
I just need treatment for the right ovary.
the right ovary.
the right ovary.
cysts on my right ovary.
i looked up symtoms.
"fatigue" -Im always tired.
"more facial hair" - check.
"cronic migraines" - almost every day for the past year.
"back pain" - EVERY DAY.
"irregular periods" - i havent bled in over a year.
cysts on my right ovary.
what am i doing to do.

i miss her.

2010-01-17T22:14:00.002-06:00

is it feb. yet?
come home to me.
i miss you.
your side of the bed misses you too.
and moose.
she misses you also.
just so you know.

D:

2010-01-06T19:23:00.003-06:00

have i told you;
have i showed you;
what im feelin;
when i hold you;

it feels like heaven;
heaven surrounds me;
everytime you wrap your arms around me;

and theres nothing i can say or ever do;
to deserve, the love of a woman like you;

when your with me;
when you kiss me;
when you tell me, how much youve missed me;
every moment we're together;
brings us closer; closer to to forever;
and theres nothing i could say or ever do;
to deserve the love of a woman like you;;

--a woman like you--johnny reid-- <-- good song. ;)

..two spirited..

2009-12-26T09:05:00.000-06:00

..two spirited = beautiful..

..beautiful = you..

..you = me..

..me = two spirited..

..two spirited = beautiful..

2009-12-24T22:15:00.002-06:00

..i cant wait to make your dreams come true..

dsklkdslfk

2009-12-24T20:33:00.003-06:00

is love alive.
is love alive.
is love alive.

this is my winter song.
december never felt so long.
youre not where you belong.
inside my arms.

2009-12-18T00:32:00.000-06:00

.i'll think of you when the moon is full. when its quiet and i stare at my hands. when my nose bleeds randomly. i will think of you when i turn over in bed and cant find your hair to run my fingers threw. i'll think of you when the sky is clear and the stars shine brighter than no other. and when i see sheep. i'll smile my crooked smile. you know i haven't gone anywhere. im still here.

2009-12-12T03:07:00.000-06:00

..you're beautiful..
You make me feel beautiful..
..that look you give me, right before you kiss me.. hypnotizes me..
..im amazed someone like you.. ..could want someone like me.. ..you put the broken pieces together.. ..like a puzzle.. ..you're my missing piece.. ..we fit together so naturally.. ..i won't let you go..

2009-11-04T23:41:00.003-06:00

dirty. filthy. digusting. ugly. whore. used. broken. twisted. slut. dirty. terrible. ugly. not pretty.

my reflection screams at me.
you deserved it.

a small part of me. somewhere deep down. is too quiet to scream back.
too scared to scream back.

my reflection screams at me.
you asked for you.

searching. cringing. crying. hurting. pain. self inflicted wounds.

my reflection screams at me.
you let him do it.

pressure. pain. tears. silent. scared. terrified. silenced.

my reflection screams at me.
you COULD have stopped him.

night mares. anxiety. fear. terrified.

my reflection screams at me.
youre nothing.

2009-11-04T23:27:00.002-06:00

im caught between the difference of right and wrong.
wants and needs.
happiness and excitement.
and i really dont know what to do.

j.a.

2009-11-04T23:14:00.003-06:00

because i smile my little crooked smile and everyone around me thinks im crazy.
they ask what im thinking.
"nothing." is all i can reply. yet my smile grows a little bit bigger.
nothing is really something.
im thinking of you.
and me.
and our weird flavoured teas.
long coversations.
untill 1am.
smiles.
laughing.
conversations.
secret glances.
gentle eyes.
soft smiles.
because i have a feeling.
theres something about you.
something i cant wait to find out.

love strong. <3 .

2009-11-03T04:09:00.004-06:00

i fell for you quickly.
almost too fast.
but i knew it was right.
i somehow knew.
i knew that you were put in my life...
introduced to me, for a reason.
and though we didnt become close right away,
i think that everything happened as it was supossed too.
in time.
in time.
in time.
when we were both ready,
both ready to make a change.
both ready to love.
and both ready to be loved in return.

fear is something that i deal with on a regular basis.
anxiety.
not being good enough.
pretty enough.
smart enough.
witty enough.
im terrified.
im terrified of opening up.
and then being let down.
being hurt.
scarred.
broken.
hurt.
im scared of letting people in.
because each time i do.
they leave. they run. fast.
but something is different this time.
i dont know what it is.
i honestly dont.
but i can just feel it.

i feel it in the way you say my name.
the way you look into my eyes.
the way you ask me whats wrong.
the way you hold my hand.
and the way you protect me.
the way you believe in me.
the way you'd stop something so terrible.
just for me.

im paranoid.
im scared.
and im terrified.
im afraid of being left.
and the easiest way to avoid that fear.
is to be alone.
a single.
one.
alone.
because if im alone.
and i only have myself.
then there is no one to hurt me.
no one to use me.
no one to take what they want.
no one to chew me up. spit me out.
throw me under the bus.
no one to leave me.
so for the longest time.
ive gotten used to the idea of being alone.

but then you come along.
theres something about you.
the way you look into my eyes.
and listen when i speak.
you hear my words.
you hear my words.
you hear my words.
and your beautiful.
so beautiful.
i get lost in your eyes.
and stare at your lips.
and everything. it all pieces together.
theres something about you.
like you make me make sense.
you make me want to know more.
want to learn more.

you took my worst pain.
what most people ignore.
what most people cringe at.
what most people label as "broken"...
i told you what happened to me.
and you loved me just the same.
you didnt look at me any differently.
you didnt look at me like i was broken.
you didnt stop calling me.
you didnt tell me i deserved it.
you held my hand.
you held me up.
you held me.
when no one else had.

2009-10-08T03:44:00.002-06:00

if you knew the person that ive become... you'd pray for my soul everyday..

:)

2009-09-18T21:54:00.004-06:00

..sometimes love will find you.. even when you least expect it.. even when youre kicking and screaming pushing it farthest away.. love comes creeping in.. and swallows you whole..

here goes.. my single summer is now over..

"you came along... and you filled all the spaces and cracks in my broken heart"

m.

2009-08-15T20:59:00.002-06:00

im not gonna lie.
i never thought i'd see you again.
let alone let you come to my condo.

'shame on you if you fool me once,
shame on me if you fool me twice'

lets see if it'll work this time.

2009-08-03T02:39:00.003-06:00

its pathetic i know...
but each day i can go without checking your profile.. or hers..
makes me a stronger person.
because when i break down and check..
i crumble all over again..
my heart breaks..
and i feel like a pathetic piece of shit.
i feel like all the air has been sucked out of my lungs and i have to fight to regain my breath.
its like im on the road to recovery. and its stupid.
its pathetic. and its lame.
youre not even worth it...
yet my messed up brain says you are.
but youre not even worth it.
not even worth it.
not even worth it.
each day i go without checking your profile..
i feel empowered.
like im winning.
like you dont even exist anymore.
like you cant hurt me anymore.
your not even worth it.
and when i make it to three months without looking at your profile..
i'll know im okay.
im "sober".
((its so pathetic that youre like a drug..
and im like an addict..
yet its not you im addicted too..
it doesnt make sense..
that i need to know that youre okay..
i need to see if youve moved on..
if youve found someone else to love..))
three months..
without checking on you.
without wondering.
without thinking.
without looking.
then i know i will be okay.
i'll tattoo something on my body.
"love like youve never been hurt"
because God knows i deserve to be loved.
and im trying so hard not to let you bring me down.

2009-08-01T23:38:00.002-06:00

i dont know what i'd do if i ran into you on the street.. in the mall.. at a show..
i have no idea.
i dont know how i would react. if it would be a good thing or bad.
you see.
in my mind ive made you this fictional character. someone who doesnt exist. someone who NEVER existed. its the only thing i could do. the only thing i could do to get better. and to help myself heal. but they say you can only heal when the hurting stops. but what if the hurting never stops..

2009-07-25T09:35:00.000-06:00

lets go. times a wastin.

2009-07-18T22:02:00.001-06:00

but maybe.

im scared.

im scared of what the they would think...

of what they would say..

if they found out.

i think i may have feelings for her.

2009-07-13T23:41:00.002-06:00

because for that one moment. in that one second. she felt alive. for the first time in ages.

2009-07-13T23:41:00.000-06:00

because for that one moment. in that one second. she felt alive. for the first time in ages.

2009-07-12T22:16:00.002-06:00

yesterday i drove down our old street. but i couldnt drive past our house. not yet. im still not ready. so its good i dont have to ever go past it.

when i got to my destination. i told my friend how i drove past our old street. and how it made me miss you. and how i had to suck it up and be strong. i told her i couldnt even read the street sign. it was too hard.

funny what a few sips of malibu rum can do. funny how i mixed two drinks out of one mickey. funny how i let loose. and how i hooked up with someone... just to make myself think that i am closer to being over you.

jmvc.

2009-06-30T18:02:00.002-06:00

i'd be lying if i said i didnt miss you.
so lets hope nobody asks.

2009-06-17T18:04:00.002-06:00

all i know is that your so nice.
your the nicest thing ive seen.
i wish we could give it a go.
see if we could be something.

i wish i was your favorite girl.
i wish you thought i was the reason you are in the world.
i wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile.
i wish the way i dressed was your favorite kind of style.

i wish you couldnt figure me out.
but you'd always want to know what i was about.
i wish you'd hold my hand when i was upset.
i wish you'd never forget.
the look on my face when we first met.

2009-06-15T21:09:00.001-06:00

my grandpa told my aunt he thinks im a lesbian.
he thinks this because i am currently single.
and i took part in PRIDE festivities all week.

oh grandpa.

to you. from me.

2009-06-13T03:02:00.003-06:00

i cant even begin to comprehend what you go through.
my heart breaks for you.
i wish i could fix it. but i cant.
you are the strongest person i know for what you are facing.
you will make it through.
society is harsh.
but you are doing what needs to be done.
i fully support you. 150%.
i'd stand by your side if no one else was there.
just me and you.
i admire your courage.
your strength.
your dedication.
i cant even imagine.
waking up each day.
each and every day.
the struggles. the pain.
my heart hurts for you.
i barely know you. but i feel for you.
i admire you. i look up to you.
i wish i could be like you.
im so thankful you are my friend.
and if we end up as more than friends.
i will stand by you.
support you. be with you.
like no one else.
i would like you. and love you.
for who you are.
on the inside.
because ive fallen "in like" with your personality.
and who you are makes me smile.
you make me laugh.
i dont care about outward appearance.
but i want you to be happy.
happy.
i will stand by you.
no matter what happens.
i promise you that.

<3 .

2009-06-13T02:20:00.004-06:00

my ex boyfriend can jump off a freaking cliff.. Okay thats not nice..

but in other news...

Its not a lie.
He (the new guy) still gives me butterflies. And his goodnight kiss made me see stars a little bit. And when he holds my hand. let me tell you. my heart skips a beat and i have to remind myself to breathe.

we decided we'd keep it slow. . . BUTT im not ready to jump into one just yet[[and neither is he]]. so its okay. slow. we're okay. it'll be okay....
let me tell you.. he has the most amazing eyes..
and his laugh.. makes me smile..
i hope this friendship develops into something...
beautiful. like him.
you have no idea.

2009-06-10T23:16:00.000-06:00

so all that was probably just a lie.
thanks alot.

ass hole.

:) <3 .

2009-06-10T16:37:00.002-06:00

in the car, i just cant wait;;
to pick you up on our very first date;;
is it cool if i hold your hand;;
is it wrong if i think its lame to dance;;
do you like my stupid hair;;
would you guessed i didnt know what to wear;;
im so nervous about what you'll think;;
you make me nervous so i really cant eat;;

when you smile, i melt inside;;
im not worthy of a minute of your time;;
i really wish it was only me and you;;
im jealous of everybody in room;;
please dont look at me with those eyes;;
please dont hint that your capable of lies;;
i dread the thought of our very first kiss;;
i target that im probably gonna miss;;

lets go.
dont wait.
this nights almost over.
honest.
lets make.
this night last forever.

2009-06-08T20:40:00.001-06:00

im kind of afraid to let anyone close.
im not gonna lie.
but he has thee most amazing eyes.

<3 .

2009-06-07T14:12:00.001-06:00

i find it kind of funny that he gives me butterflies already.. <3

-this may be terrible.

if you can make a girl smile, you can make her do anything.

new tattoo.

2009-06-03T19:29:00.002-06:00

I'll post a picture tomorrow.
I got a new tattoo. Its of a sparrow.
This verse is inspiration for my tattoo.
As you may or may not know, I suffer from anxiety attacks and depression.
My anxiety is brought on by worrying.
This verse is a reminder to me. Im going to try and memorize the whole passage. I think its great.

Matthew 6:25
25Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life

2009-06-02T11:50:00.000-06:00

Im going to learn to love myself again.
because in order to love others.
I need to be able to love myself first.

2009-06-02T11:39:00.002-06:00

I am not pregnant.
But I am okay with that.
As a old wise woman.. (okay shes not old.. she Just turned 24 today)
once told me...
"If you arent pregnant, just remember.. God has bigger plans in mind"
And you know what. Shes right.
My summer is almost here.
My Bailey is almost here.
And with road trips and silly nights...
Who wants a pregnant woman wadding and tagging along. (kidding)
I am a tad bit sad that God did not bless me with my miracle baby. [[On another note.. if I had been pregnant, baby may have had some problems due to the fact I am on anti-depressants, anti-axniety, and sleeping pills.. not to mention the "failed birthcontrol"]]
But he did answer a different prayer.
He sent me Bailey.
And Bailey will be here Aug 1st.
I am slowing believing that everything happens for a reason.
I dont know why I havent had a period since April.
But its okay. And Im okay.
God has a bigger and better plan for me.
All I have to is take the wheel and let him lead me.

2009-06-01T22:06:00.002-06:00

i hate being alone.
(on another topic)

do you watch the hills?
Is it so bad that I just want my "spencer".

i am lame and pathetic.

i am sorry.

prince charming..

where are you..

Oh! I need that book! That one that was given to me, that I read then gave away to another girl who needed it! "Kissed the girls and made them cry"

I will brake my "book budget" and get that book tomorrow.

p.s

Im getting a new tattoo on wednesday. my mom said its going to be too big. i shrugged my shoulders.

2009-06-01T22:00:00.002-06:00

my mother burst my bubble. she says that its impossible for me to be pregnant.
she said i cant be.
she says not.
now im even more terrified to take that test.

2009-05-31T12:04:00.003-06:00

im terrified that my period will start.
every twinge i feel in my abdomin.. i pray like mad for my miracle baby..
i pray that God will bless me with a baby.
i havent taken the test yet that sits on my dresser.
i'll wait till wednesday.
but i think my world may end a little bit if aunt flow comes before then.

rant rant rave rave.

2009-05-27T19:24:00.003-06:00

chase: so when can we hang out
me: i dont know..
chase: why dont we watch a movie tonight
me: okay. which did you have in mind?
chase: doesnt matter.
me: well pick one then let me know.
chase: your house or mine?
me: what?!
chase: your place then?
me: i thought you wanted to GO to a movie...
chase: no i said watch a movie
me: oh.. okay..
chase: well?
me: maybe we shouldnt hang out alone like that..
chase: why?
me: uh.. you have a girlfriend.. called Becky..
chase: and?
me: okay. and, well given our past we shouldnt be alone together because we will probably end doing things that we will regret.
chase: regret?
me: YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
chase: holly told me you were seeing someone. so you;d let yourself cheat on him?
me: uh. no. he broke up with me. I AM single.
chase: so we'll hang out at your place? or you can come here?
me: you know. even though I dont think highly of becky.. i am not going to let you do to her, what you did to me. when you took my virginity, and cheated on me three months later, only to empregnant the girl you slept with.. that pain.. that pain of being cheated on, the pain of trusting someone with that tint piece you cant ever get back.. trusting someone that much...only to have them throw it all away.. is something i would not wish on anyone..
chase: you really think we would hook up?
me: yes. i do. so no we shouldnt hang out.
chase: but your single. and im practically single..
me: uuuugh...
chase: why dont we just go for a drive.. to our favorite spot.. the hill..
me: im not responding anymore.. "the hill" is not my favorite spot. loosing my virginity in the backseat of your car, and then you dumping me.. taking me out on a date a few months after you dump me, and ending up parking in the same exsact spot doing the exsact same things the NIGHT before Im saposed to leave to for bible college. thanks. thanks a bunch. but for the record, the hill is not my favorite spot. its where a piece of me died. and where you took something i cant everr get back.

2009-05-26T17:39:00.001-06:00

baby baby baby oh baby. ?

2009-05-25T13:49:00.000-06:00

you cant throw up if you dont eat.
water tastes better and better each day.

2009-05-20T17:41:00.001-06:00

new tattoo...
on both wrists??

we accept the love..

we think we deserve..

?? yes... no??
suggestions?
Black pretty swirly writing.

2009-05-17T15:18:00.003-06:00

coping with my depression this past month or so hasnt been easy.
im sorry if youve read this and thought i was just attention seeking.
thats definately not the case.
i have been throwing up.
and i havent been sleeping.
i ripped off my gel nails.(do not try that at home.)
my family doctor has had me on effexor for the past three years.
for three years the effexor did nothing.
i went to a walk in medi-clinic with my mom since i had been suicidal for two months.
the doctor at the clinic gave me a referal to a "shrink"
and then i was very lucky to get in the next day..
(the waiting list was untill july 10th)
anyways. my shrink, psychiatrist, is dr. patouloua.
( i spelt that wrong)
he diagnosed me with not only depression,
but a social anxiety disease.
i am now on two different medications.
and one sleeping pill for two weeks.
(at night my mind cant stop working)
anyways.
i have continued to make myself throw up..
even though the nauseous feeling isnt as bad.
i am starting to feel better.
and that is what counts.

2009-05-17T10:30:00.001-06:00

yesterday i threw up twice.
i havent eaten in over a week.
liquids make me me nauseous.
juice especially makes me nauseous.
sometimes ginger ale is okay.
sometimes not.
im not okay.
this sick need to be in controll is
almost disgusting.

2009-05-15T20:53:00.001-06:00

i wish i was okay.
but im not.
i love him.
i miss him.
i need him.

2009-05-15T17:51:00.004-06:00

secret again?
i havent been able to eat in an entire week.
why?
i dont know.
everything that goes down.. makes me nauseous.
i hate feeling nauseous.
today dad brought home chinese food.
mom forced me to eat since i havent ate anything in a week.
i ate the chinese food.
and after everyone settle away from the table.
i went to the bathroom. and forced it all back out.
it wasnt very flattering.
it was actually digusting seeing the undigested food slowly force its out out.
like sqeezing a tube of toothpaste.
disgusting.
again though.
i finally am feeling in controll.
finally.

let me tell you a secret

2009-05-13T21:38:00.002-06:00

can i tell you a secret.
i did something today.
i was crying. real hard.
i couldnt stop. and i didnt know what to do.
so i went to the bathroom.
i got on my knees.
and i put my finger down my throat.
i did it twice. with no success.
but the third time. was eventful.
the forth time too.
i did it untill nothing came out.
and for the for time in a very long time.
i felt in controll of something.

2009-05-12T23:16:00.001-06:00

please. dont leave me;;
...
i need you.

2009-05-06T23:01:00.002-06:00

i believe you only fall in love once.
and that you are in love with that person for your entire life.
thats why you need to choose your first love smartly, and carefully.

2009-03-30T17:04:00.001-06:00

no one could understand the utter heart break and hurt i felt when only one line appeared.. and the test was negative.

2009-03-26T19:29:00.002-06:00

im trying so hard to love you. to love you like you love me.
but you see.. its hard to explain..
i was broken once... my heart that is..
and because of that, i think ive kind of.. built this wall..
i built this wall that protects me..
it keeps me safe.. and its always there..
i cant help that ive told you i love you..
because i do.. i do love you.. im not lying..
but when it comes to actually "loving".. i cant..
again.. its so hard to explain..
so many men have come and gone.. taken whatever peice of me they chose..
and i let them.. i let them touch me.. let them inside me..
let them use me.. i let them kiss me.. and let them take their time..
while inside my heart i slowly died... i slowly closed off from the world..
i seperated myself.. while these men "loved" me..
i alloud myself to believe that this was love..
though i know now that what those men did to me.. was not love..
ive yet to allow myself to experaince the love that others speak of..
true love..
true love..
true love..
ive yet to decide if i deserve this love..
i am used.. i am broken.. i am tattered and torn..
im dirty.. soiled and unclean..
i have a million finger prints that linger.. a hundred smells of cheap cologne that wont go away.. a thousand sleepless nights... and billions of tears stained with mascara..
i dont deserve a love so pure..
im sorry..

five things.

2009-02-22T21:43:00.003-06:00

five things.
1- my tattoo artist is the one of the only people who calls me sweetie. and i like that.
2- touch-ups on tattoos are really painful.
3- i really hate having an anxiety disorder(panic attacks piss me off. i wish they'd just butt out)
4- i collect black poodles.
5- i love the feeling of a new tooth brush.

2009-02-20T11:11:00.002-06:00

for the first time, in a long time...
she bowed her head to pray.
she said,
"im sorry for the way,
ive been living mjy life,
i know i got to change,
and from now on tonight"
jesus take the wheel.
take it from my hands.
i cant do this on my own.
im letting go.
give me one more change.
save me from this road im on.
jesus take the wheel.

2009-02-19T13:02:00.000-06:00

ixoye - jesus christ, gods son, my saviour.
deal with it. :]

2009-02-09T03:09:00.002-06:00

i want a baby.

2009-01-29T21:45:00.003-06:00

Hi blogg world.
Ive been in my new house for almost a month. I love it. Its quiet and really cosy. We manage to keep it clean, although there is a sink full of dishes right now. :)
I havent taken any pictures yet. I know I know. terrible. I'll take pictures this weekend and upload them. I got a new computer. Its an HP notebook. Loves it! :)
But my back is really starting tyo hurt so Im going to go shower and get ready for sleep.

2009-01-09T16:57:00.002-06:00

Hi blog world.
Im not even sure how many people read this anymore. I like to think its alot. :)
Anyways. This may be my last post for awhile. Im almost finished moving in to my basement suite. One more car load and Im done! =) Its vair vair exciting. Except I forget if the landlord said we have wireless internet or not. (which is why I may not be able to blog for awhile.) BUT I promise I will take pictures of my new place and post them promptly when Im home next week to help my mutti clean out my closet and stuff.
Fair thee well blogger world!
Untill we meet again!
-Starla

moooving...

2009-01-08T11:33:00.002-06:00

blimey. i just cleaned out my closet of clothes and i have two garbage bags FULL that i am giving to salvation army. not to mention a garbage bag full of shoes that i havent worn in ages. i guess by moving im realizing how selfish i was by having all these clothes and shoes that i didnt even wear. But by giving them away I think Im doing the right thing. Hopefully someone will get good use out of these items that are barely even worn.

p.s
I just realized I move in tomorrow.

moving!

2009-01-07T17:25:00.002-06:00

moving. and moving..

...

and moving and moving.. and moving.. and moving.

Im startig to get excited about moving. :) If you cant tell.

I'll have people over to come and go sometime next week probably.

SO EXCITED! Tiara. Be prepared to WII. haha. :D Hey we can even play guitar hero... :D lolololol.

2009-01-07T14:08:00.001-06:00

I live on Cumberland as of the 9th. And need a home church somewheres close to that. Any ideas? I like fun worship and intense prayer. :)

mucho amore.

2009-01-06T11:11:00.001-06:00

i'll make 2009 my time to shine.

the story- brandi carlile. (love it)

2009-01-04T17:01:00.003-06:00

all of these lines across my face;
tell you the story of who i am;
so many stories of where ive been;
and how ive got to where i am;
but these stories dont mean anything;
when youve got no one to tell them too;
its true;
i was made for you...

i climbed across the mountain tops;
swam all across the ocean blue;
i crossed all the lines and i broke all the rules;
but baby i broke them all for you;

and even when i was flat broke;
you made me feel like a million bucks;
you do;
i was made for you;

you see the smile thats on my mouth;
hiding the words that dont come out;
all of my friends that think that im blsessed;
thet dont know that im in this mess;

they dont know who i really am;
and they dont know what ive been through;
like you do;
and i was made for you;

2008-12-31T21:40:00.003-06:00

With 2008 coming to an end I thought I'd blog my new years resolutions. Which is kind of silly. Because I know you may think these arent resolutions, but they are to me. Anyways.

.1) Be a better person.. In a sence that I am a person people want to be around. I want to try and eliminate gossip and be a "friend" to everyone.

.2) I want to find a best friend and keep her.(or him I guess) Ive never had a best best friend that stays around. They usally get sick of me I guess or find a better best friend. I want to find a friend that I can trust. And that can stick around longer than a year and not dwindle away when a boy enters the picture.

.3) I want to find a home church. Now that I have my own place and I work only one weekend a month I want to find a home church and get involved. I want to serve Jesus and really just be a good servant to Him. I want to get involved with a Ladies group and help with a youth group too. I want to grow in Christ and I want 2009 to the year that I can look back on and really see the Spiritual Growth Ive experainced.

Well. Ive choose to stay home for New Years. Last year I brought in the new year in a bad way. And I think spending it alone may help bring it in properly. I dont know. I hope 2009 brings happiness, a best friend, and most of all brings me closer to Jesus.