fkds;lfks

This whole long term care thing can really have its days. I love it.. dont get me wrong. I feel its the most rewarding job I can ever have. And recently my residents are remembering my name and more personal things about me, which is so nice.
But on friday in school we learnt more about Pallative Care and I honestly felt that this was something I'd love to do. (Hospice/Pallative Care) If you dont know what that means, its basically comfort care, in taking care of a person untill they pass away. (They'd be in the last stages of life)
Well. Friday I decided I wanted to try Pallative Care.. and today at work, I just so happened to take care of a lady who is dying, and hasnt eaten or drank anything in three days. People said she wouldnt last long. And her breathing was so slow and delayed and her legs and feet were like ice even though they had like five million blankets covering her. I spent the majority of the spare moments of today sitting with her, holding her hand, and talking. (She is in a coma like state. so she just stares,,, she cant even blink any more but tey still may be able to hear every word you say) at first I thought it was fine, that I'd be okay right? But then when her family came in, I realized shes more than just some old lady. She's someones mother. Someones Grandmother. Someones sister.
I feel horrible because.. as a student I wanted her to hurry up and pass away so I could learn about how we prepare the body and get it ready for the viewings and what not. How selfish was I? Gosh I feel horrible about that now. But all day when I'd go check on her, I kinda wanted her to be gone already. :(
So anyways. After my shift was done I felt drained. Emotionally. I wanted to just crawl into a hole and die myself. I did crawl into a fetal postition and cry myself to sleep. This whole idea of death scares me. I think thats why I wanted to experaince it first hand today with that lady. I wanted to be there while she took her last breaths. Im scared personally of death. And yeah. I dont know how I'll react when one of my residents does pass away. We did have a death on wednesday night. He wasnt one of my residents though. The last time I saw him he seemed okay. He was alive and quite responsive. But who knows I guess.
Im scared I'll eventually become numb to the whole death thing. I dont want to. But yet I think its already starting to happen.. I dont know if theres even a way of stopping that feeling because all my residents are eventually going to pass. Whether it be sooner or later. Speaking of which, we have two flu's going around and we have residents who are in quarunteen. So we need to glown gown and mask before we can enter rooms. (I hate that) But I;d rather not get sick anytime soon either.
But I guess I'll go find something to do. Im in such a depressed state right now I dont want to be alone for long periods of time.