anxiety,

Right now Im honestly struggling alot emotionally. I cant even explain whats bothering me- because I guess deep down I dont even know.

Funny how I posted all this stuff. All this real deep down stuff. And then the very next day my ex starts texting K. And trying to contact me. Saying she is concerned about my health. And wants to know how I am........ ARE YOU FRIGGING KIDDING ME?! Honest to freaking blog I had about 3 anxiety attacks and cried so hard I threw up twice. It makes me physically ill that she honestly has the audacity to think she has ANY RITE to even THINK about, let alone ask how I am doing- or how my health is.,... You spent the last three years putting your hands on me, belitting me, making me feel like a peice of shit... And now you want to know how I am? Yeah. I dont think so.

Not only has this stirred me emotionally- It also has me questioning my own sanity. Like in all honesty....Im just beyond confused. Ive spent the last 5 or 6 months living in fear. Terrified to leave my house. Terrified that she would find me and hurt me- or someone in my family. And now shes trying to be friendly? Ugh. So emotionally draining.... You have no idea. Im not stupid though. I definitely get that she is trying to play a game. Or trying to do something to come between K and I. I just honestly dont know what it is. So now Ive gone from feeling fear and being scared- to feeling anxious and being physically ill about it.
Im at the point where I think I am going to need to start my anxiety meds again because I find myself worrying and my heart racing at work and then I need to stop and remind myself to breathe...To remind myself that I am okay. To stop and count to 10. and watch a clock for fricken 30 seconds to make sure I dont start hyperventalating and faint. I never realized my anxiety was that bad until resently....

can i keep you?

When I moved back I changed my number back to a local number. I texted a few people asking if they wanted to do coffee and catch up... One person in particular I texted- K. K replied and asked if she could bring someone with her. If you know me I am never one to be a third wheel. I feel awkward and I just hate that feeling. So I cancelled. (Which is totally like me)

One night I noticed that K was online and we started chatting. We ended up chatting untill the birds came out at 5am. I knew then that I needed a second chance at this whole "coffee" thing because we had so many little things in common and I really felt like she could be my new best friend.

K invited me to a concert. We went to the concert together and then in typical lesbian fashion spent every day together after that. We would go for walks. Talk about EVERYTHING and anything. We went to a poetry reading. We'd go look at art at the museum. Everything I suggested to do, she also loved doing. So needless to say we connected really well. I was so glad I had taken a chance on her. Because in all honesty I was terrified that night I drove to pick her up. I was a mess! Sweating. Stuttering. Not making sense. All normal in my world. But I guess she didnt mind.

Anyway. We started out as friends. And together decided to make it official.  It was obvious we were both attracted to each other and both connected so well.

One week after K and I started dating we got in my car and drove to Calgary. :) I love that shes spontaneous like me. We also took in a music festival together and she saw me after 3 days with no shower and no make up. (Impressive she stuck around I know;))

K makes me so happy. I wake up with a dorky smile on my face everyday wondering if I'll get to see her and I miss her 30 seconds after she leaves. Its a feeling I have never felt before. A love that I have never known. I honestly and truly believe and know that shes just as crazy about me as I am about her. I know that shes in love with me. And I know that nothing can change that.
I know its still early on. But things have been so smooth. And each time we've argued we've been able to solve it and then I always "Lets never fight again". But when youre dealing with me... haha. Im so stubborn. But shes so calm. She balances me so perfectly.  And she makes me my heart happy and makes life worth living. And right now in this moment. I feel infinite. Like together we could conqur anything. : 3

Starts with goodbye.

Somethings are just meant to be. I say that with 100% honesty.

The night before I left called my boss from my old job and asked her what the possiblity of me having my old job back would be. Needless to say she told me I could start the following monday.

I started back at my old job that monday. And in all honesty it felt like "home". I was so happy to be back. Welcomed back into the swing of things.
Ive been back for 5 months now? It honestly has flown by. It seems like I never left and Im so in love with my job.

I wont lie though. The first few nights back were hard. I was afraid. I was afraid that she would find me. I was afraid I wouldnt be strong enough and Id go back. And most of all I was afraid of allowing people to know what I had gone through. Ive always been seen as a strong girl. Someone who could hold my own. But in that situation I didnt. And I already see myself as a failure for not leaving after the first time she hit me. I didnt want others to see me as "weak" or "pathetic" because I stuck around so long....

Some people dont realize I live with depression, anxiety, social anxiety and selective mutism.
This causes me to have an unrealistic fear of people judging me- or not liking me. I also have a hard time maintaining friendships because I like my space alot of the time and if the other person isnt putting in 110% I feel like I dont need them anyway? I know thats terrible. But Im being honest. I also know I dont ever put 110% in either. But this is why I am so THANKFUL for the handful of people I can actually call my "friends". Im also really bad for making plans but then not following through. Though Im not sure why I do this I know that I do it... and I am really trying hard to make an effort to stop this.. because if someone is making plans with me then they obviously want to see me and I dont need to have anxiety about it.

In a nutshell Im back in my home city. Ive reconnected with some old friends and made some great new ones. Im working on becoming a better me. I am furthing my education in Nursing which I am very proud of myself for. Im working pretty much full time hours and spending time with someone special whom occupies the majority of my time...And I dont mind........

Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life

Well! I am still alive. Still here. Though alot in my little world has changed. I have a few friends who are now blogging and I guess since I always enjoyed "putting myself out there" I thought I'd open this old blogspot up again and just update on whats new and exciting.

The last you heard from me I had packed up my life into my little cavalier and moved from the big city to a small town for 2 reasons. I wanted a change in scenary and I was offered an AMAZING job. And there was someone there that I wanted to persue a long term relationship with. I guess I was also tired of the big city and wanted to "spread my wings" and adventure on my own..

One month of being my new town I recieved a phone call telling me I had cancer. This rocked my world and litterally turned it upside down. (My cancer journey will wait for another post however)

I was living in my new town 3 weeks. 3 weeks was what it took for my girlfriend to show her true colors. 3 weeks. She got disgustingly drunk. She threw one hit. I deflected it- but then I took two more hits to my collar bone and was thrown across the room. The doctors verdict was a broken rib with a bruised collar bone. This was the first of many times I would be abused physically-mentally-emotionally-and spiritually...Unfortunately I cant tell you I did what all us girls are taught... "When someone hurts you- you leave". I was stupid. I believed her each time she told me she would change. I trusted her when she told me she loved me. I believed her when she told me my parents didnt really care as much as she did. And I believed her each time she told me I was fat, ugly, stupid and no one would ever want to be my friend- let alone date me.
I stayed in that relationship for 3 long years. I stayed with her- and I did what she said when she told me to have my chemotherapy in the city close to our town rather than in my home city where my family was. I underwent chemo alone mostly while she then had a "week free of me". She made up lies to my friends, to her friends- about what a terrible person I was. And even though the police were called to our apartment and house several times due to HER being domestically violent on me... she always turned the story around to her friends.. and even though I was sick in bed with sevre vommiting and stomache issues from chemo- she convinced them I was just a "lying alcoholic".
She convinced me of alot of things too. That I wasnt worth it. That I wasnt good enough to work at the daycare I called home for 2 years. That the people I considered my friends werent really my friends and only felt sorry for me because I was stupid.
My last year in the town I learnt to call home I honestly became a hermit. When I would make plans with a friend I was then made by her to feel like I was wrong to have gone for brunch. Or gone to for a walk. I was made to feel like I needed to ask permission.
My last few months in my apartment were hell-ish to say the least. The police were called several times due to her drinking and violence on me. The police in the town were idiots and I say this because THEY KNEW DAMN WELL SHE WAS HITTING ME AND THAT IT WAS INCREASED WHEN SHE WAS DRUNK BUT THEY WOULD CALL MY CELL PHONE AT 2AM AND BRING HER BACK TO MY APARTMENT BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO DRUNK TO BE IN PUBLIC. When I would refuse to allow her in the said they would take me in to custody which I didnt want- so I would again endure her drunk slurs, name calling, threats, belitting and so much more hurt that my heart couldnt take it.
Several times while sober even she would tell me that she was no sexually attracted to me. I would beg her to hold me at night while she said I had gained weight. I was not the same as I was before I had steriods pumped into my body during treatment. She said I wasnt feminine enough with my new chemo hair- and when I had weaves she said they looked fake and I looked stupid. I tried everything to make her see me as she did before... I think now- looking back I did that because I thought it was my fault for making her angry. And if only I could loose the weight and be my "old" self she'd start loving me again...But again.. now I look back and see it started just a week before I was diagnosed..
We had mutually broken up. Because I wasnt what she wanted in a girlfriend. I wanted a house and babies and marriage. She wanted booze, drugs, and partying til 6am and not coming home to me.
Eventually I finally facebook msged a friends mother and I asked her for prayer. I told her I needed strength because I was planning on leaving in the middle of the night to avoid fighting and confrontation. I packed my clothing into a duffle back and I left.
I cried the whole drive. Pulling over a few times because I was crying so hard. But in all honesty. They were tears of happiness. Happiness that I was finally free. I was finally leaving. I was finally able to see MY EYES in the mirrior and caught a glimse of the girl I was before.

Oct 16th 2010 was the date I was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer.

What a long 3 years its been.

I just wish for just one day, ONE DAY.. the drama would stop following you. And it could be just you and me. One on one. No text messeges every two seconds. No phone calls interupting. No nothing. Just me and you. After all. I am your. YOUR girlfriend. idiot.

..a kiss with a fist, is better than none..