changes.

To be 100% honest. Im not okay. And, If you really know me. You'd know that. I guess I know what's causing it. And, Im trying hard to change things. I really am. And I know that I always say that. "Im going to change! Im going to be the old Starla again!" Ha. We all know that only lasts maybe a day and then I start my spiral downwards all over again. But Im not happy. Im not okay. Im not. As much I say I want the "old Starla" back.. I know she cant come back. I'll never be the same girl I was that scortching June morning I packed up my festiva and headed on an adventure that was saposed to change my life for the better....
Where I was saposed to grow and mature into a even more beautiful woman of Christ and become even stronger in my faith. I was saposed to lead children to Christ and be a great mentor and leader. Instead, I failed...
I saw what I wanted. I felt spiritual battles greater than anything and I let "constructive critisism" bring me down even further. Somehow my past with Chase re-surfaced and I realised I was never over that whole issue. I got really self centered and angry. I became facinated with SI, and even though I knew better.. I spent my hour long breaks alone in my cabin. Doing just that.
I think Im trying to hard to pin point where I started failing. When really that doesnt matter.. All I know.. is that I need to make a change. More positive changes. "If you play with fire, you're asking to be burned."
I hate being in this stage where I am right now. Because its like. I know a change needs to take place. And I know only I can take that step and make that change. But I need to humble myself enough to do so. I need to be willing to sacrifice everything. Friends. Family. My career. I need to give up everything. I need to be alone. I need to kick all the negative out, and just focus on me. I need to be okay with having no friends.. and I need to be okay with doing what I know is right. I need to humble myself and listen. And You know.. Ive done that only once in my life. And it turned out to be the best thing I've ever done. I just dont know if I can do it again. And Im at that point right now. Last week. I only ate one two meals. I cried every night. And SI was so tempting. I was so depressed I couldnt do anything but lay in a ball in my bed.. With my bedroom door open so I wouldnt be tempted. I dont know what helped me snap out of it. I really dont know. But yesterday I woke up and decided that this was my life. And I was going to be okay. And as cheesey as it sounds Im reading Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters". I know I know. I just really to focus on me right now. And I need to just, get to know who I am again. I need to find out what I like, who I like.. and mostly what makes me happy. And I need to do this alone. I dont quite know if Im at that step where I'll just drop everything and humble myself. But I do I am a step in life where I need to focus on me.