random.

ive lived with anxiety pretty much my whole life even though i was just diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder last year.

i remember biting my nails from a really young age... i'd bite them as a way of dealing with the anxiety/stress i was dealing with. yes as a 5 year old i had stress. [[google selective mutism... thats me.. seriously]]

as i got older.. i tried to stop with the nail biting. and i replaced it with prayer/writing/religion. i started that in high school. i'd worship. go to church. youth group. ISCF. VBS. You name it, i did it.

then i lost my virginity. and somehow i didnt think "jesus" was going to cut it. so i started drinking. ALOT. i'd drink. and i'd party. and i was your typical bar star. drinking every weekend to take away the guilt and pain i felt from disappointing God by loosing my virginity before i was married.

eventually someone noticed i had a problem. and it was off to bible college i went. where i again, used religion to fix the void in my life. i prayed. i worshiped. i served my God in anyway i could.

well i finished bible college. and then i had my first lesbian experaince. so again. disappointing God i stopped with the religion. i didnt start drinking. i started cutting. when i felt extreme anxiety, stress, or felt like i was no longer in controll, i'd take a seam ripper and drag it across my skin.

i started dating an idiot named johnathon. the only good thing he did for me was he helped me stop cutting. i dont know how. but i did. so i stopped cutting. and then he filled the void. i gave him everything. and i was... whats the word... dependent? i dont know. anyways.

we finally broke up. i moved home. and then i was diagnosed with a social anxiety disorder, i was put on anxiety meds. and that helped. alot. but for whatever reason. when i started the anxiety meds. i started making myself vomit. not all the time. and not bulimia. just vomiting when im not in control. or when im hurting alot. its gross. i know. but i cant help it. i HAVE to do it. even if i try not too.. i end up crying so hard im heaving anyways. so i might as well just vomit and get it over with. and i dont know who even reads this thing at the moment. but i was doing well at not vomiting. almost two months. since jill left. i told her i wouldnt make myself puke while she was gone. but last night i had a major panic attack. and i had to throw up. no way around it.

anyways. this was saposed to be a positive post. right. oh. how i deal with that void now you ask? i run. sometimes twice a day. im at the gym. on the eliptical, on the tread mill, on the bikes. whatever i feel like. but yeah. its a much healthier way of dealing with that "void". thats all i wanted to say..