shewillbe;;

I wish I could tell myself that I'll handle this situation like a normal adult. But who am I trying to kid. I'm FAR from normally.

Whenever something gets tough. Or I get thrown out of my comfort zone. Or even out in a situation where I'm forced to "trust" everything will be okay - I just can't handle it. My anxiety goes up the wall. And my brain can't even begin to comprehend how I am going to survive.

I'm 23. I started SI (self-injury) my first year of bible school. I was 18. I realized how NOT perfect my life was amoung the pastors kids, and alumni's kids. I came from a family of non-practicing Christians. I lost my virginity at 17 in the back seat of car. I drank. I lied. I cheated. And it hit me pretty fast at bible school. So I borrowed my room mates seam ripper.. And I started cutting, tearing into my skin with a dull blade.
There, in my bible school dorm room I began the worst possible way of "healing".

When people started to notice my wounds I got more cautious of where I'd cut. I stopped for awhile after promising an ex-lover I wouldn't inflict scars on my body. But the anger and hurt that built up got so bad, I started a cycle of making myself vomit. I'd stuff myself full of food only to force it all back up. And that's where I'm at now.

I will admit. When things get tough. I eat, then vomit. Or sometimes I'll just vomit to vomit. The pleasure that comes along with that release is something I can't explain.

But I can explain I'm facing a difficult situation. I'm to "trust" that its going to work out. And that everything will stay the same in a world where tomorrow isn't even certain.

I'm disgusting. And right now I wish I could be "normal". Normally don't plan to fast for 3 days to feel the hunger pains. Then indulge like a pig and puke for hours after.
Normally people don't think of hiding in a bathroom on there lunch break with a butter knife and trace old scars to remember the pain.
I wish I could be normal. But in stead I'm plotting ways to get through this - ways that won't help anyone.
I'm beyond frustrated that this is how I am. That instead of going out and living life today I cried and stayed on the couch replaying worst case scenarios in my head.
I'm so pathetic I almost can't stand it.