shewillbe;;

whats new with this girl?
the typical.
fell in love too fast.
and ended up heart broken.
as always.
i keep telling myself to slow down.
but i feel like im getting old to wait.
i want my happily ever after.
and i want it now. not later.

one year ago this month i tried killing myself.
i am overwhelmed with that thought.
and of course seem to battling depression yet again.
i fight through my days not to burst into tears.
and when im not working im curled in my bed thinking of how effed up my life is.
its pathetic. im pathetic.
but what can you do.

all my plans to run away and leave this province keep failing.
the bank wont give me a loan.
so i'll try every bank in this city untill i get one.
then im thinking edmonton will be my destination to take my nursing.

pride celebrations are in two weeks.
and because everyone in the community hates me and my current ex is a "celebrity"
i wont be celebrating pride.
im hoping to be able to fly to edmonton that week.
as they have their pride that week too.
but knowing my luck i wont have the time off work.
(yes there is someone in edmonton)

what else can i tell you.
my specialist put me on birth controll last month.
shes hoping it will give e a period.
(which is did)
to make me ovulate.
so that i can have a baby one day.
i cried at the intial appointment when i was told i wouldnt be able to concieve a baby.
i hated that i broke down.
but i did.
anyways. we tried the YAZ.
and it gave me a period. which means im ovlating. which means i can have a baby.
my specialist and i (and my mom) also talked about my options.
because i am a lesbian.
how i can get pregnant.
looks like it will cost anywhere between 50$ and 1.500$ for me.
depending on which route i go.

so thats all thats new.
im nursing a broken heart.
struggling with my depression.
im planning on running away.
and i want a baby within in the next year or two.
heres hoping.