shewillbe;;

I just have alot I have to get off my chest.
And I know you probably wont even read this, because you dont even know this blog exists. But maybe I'll be brave enough to send it to you a different way. Like email. Or something. But until then, It will have to do. Posted on my blog. Where no one will see.

I know that we didnt know each other ALL that LONG. But given the circumstances, of a long distances relationship... We talked via skype, and on the phone.. several times. Talking. Getting to know each other better. Better than most couples would I would say. Because we talked up to 6 up hours at time. Remember that? Sharing our life shories. Laughing. And being silly. And even just staring creepily at each other. But either way. We got to know each other. I started falling for you. And I know you started falling for me. Because we started an :addiction: so to speak. Needing to "chat" or Skype every day. And that was okay. Because we were both okay with it. And we both wanted to dive deeper into the other person and really get to know them.

Remember how brutally honest I always was. Telling you EVERYTHING. Even stuff that you didnt need to know. I know remember. And I know you do too. Because to be honest, I couldnt tell a lie to save my life. Ask anyone who knows me. I talk way too much. And the truth overflows like a goddamn foutain. Its a curse. But I cant help it. And Ive learnt people dont like always like the truth. But I'll always speak the truth. Because the truth is better than a lie.

Remember that night we skyped untill close to 3am. When I was to get in my car at 7am and come see you? I couldnt stop talking to you. Because I was so excited to FINALLY spend time with you in person. Even though there was storms in the forecast. I hadnt slept enough the night before. And I had an estimated 7 hour drive ahead of me... I packed my bags... and I got in my car. A little late.. but I did. And I drove to see you. Not even knowing what to expect. Because anyone can be anyone behind a computer screen.

When I finally made it to where you were. My heart beated like crazy. So crazy I thought I would faint.. or have a panic attack. But when I saw you standing in the drive way. It all went away. I knew everything would be fine. Because you were you. And I was me. And you were the person I had gotten to know.
Meeting your family was like I had known them forever. Laughing and having a freaking blast. And even meeting your friends... though I was nervous, I knew it'd be okay. Because if you liked me, they would too.

I loved the entire week spend together. Especially the first night we layed together. And it took me close to 1 hour of pondering whether or not I should kiss you. And then I finally did. And then I saw sparks. And felt something. Felt something I'd never felt before. I cant explain. But I know you understood.
I loved when you sang to me. That song that I loved. I loved your voice. And every freckle on your face. I loved how we could talk till 4am then sleep till 4pm. I loved how you held my hand and you let my hand go on the bottom. Everything little detail. I remember.
I loved you showing me your town. And introducing me to your extended family.. I only dreamed of the day that you'd meet mine. And how much we'd all get along.

You know. Again. Ask anyone. I have never EVER tried a drug in my entire life. So when your friends showed me that drug. It scared the shit of me. Yet it excited me. Because this was a whole knew world I'd never known. Being 23, I think theres alot I havent experienced. But Im okay with that. Im not naive, or sheltered... but I have boundries.. Make sense? Yeah it does.. because I told you. And you understood.
When your friends asked me to do that drug with them. I wont lie. I toyed with the idea in my head. I thought about it. But again. It scared me. When the said I could lie to you, and tell you it was just "e" I had taken.. it made me upset that they'd even suggest I lie to you. Because I care for you. And Ive been honest. So I opened my mouth. (the curse) And told you what the said. And yes your mom heard too. I just wanted you to know what they wanted me to do. Including lying to you... and doing the drug.
Of course you know I didnt do the drug. I told you that.
And you know. I know you think I was trying to come between you and your friend. And that hurts. ALOT. Because I liked your friend, so much. I trusted her. And I think she is an amazing person and an amazing friend to you. Nothing will change that and I love how strong your friendship is. I think its important to have close friends.. and thats something Ive never had. So of course I love that you can have that in her. Plus shes funny, sweet, and has a heart of gold. The only downfall, would be the drugs. But thats not my business. To each their own, and shes an adult. She can make her own choices.

What I really dont understand is how you know she does drugs. And you took her word over mine. Why would I lie about someone offering me drugs. Asking me to get high with them. Why would I lie about that? Did you ever think maybe she was just upset she got caught?

You know. It doesnt matter because your mind is made up. But I really dont think you gave me, or US a fair go. And it makes physically sick. I havent been able to eat since I came home. I vomit up everything. And I also cant sleep. My brain is working overtime thinking up explainations of how I screwed things up. Because even though it was short, our relationship was one of the best... it was the best I'd been in. I had never connected so well with anyone. And you know that.

It hurts me that you, and your family think that Im a liar. That I lied about your friends offering me those drugs. It sucks. And it hurts. Because Im not that girl ANYONE who knows me, knows that. And you know. I've probably cried way too many tears over it. And people say I should get over it. But I cant. Not untill I've said my peace. Given my last few words.

Because Shay, You know we were amazing. We connected so well. On SO many levels. And everyone saw it. So how can you just drop it this like it was nothing. I was MORE than honest with you about everything. Why would I lie about someone offering me a drug. I know shes your best friend. But you KNOW she does drugs. Thats whats making me so sick. You know she uses drugs, why would think she wouldnt offer me any??
Again shes a great girl I think shes amazing.. but I didnt lie Shay. And I think you know that.

I just wish you'd listen to me. Give me the benefit of doubt. Coming from me. A 23 year old woman. Who has never done a drug. Has never cheated, or intentionally hurt anyone... Me.. A girl who is crazy about you, and your beautiful personality. The way you laugh, the way you hold you my hand. The way you speak your mind and the way you let me speak mine. I love everything. The way we built a ginger bread house in July and how you gave me my first kiss in the rain.
Is it pathetic Im still crying about this? I think so. But I cant help it.
You know. I know you have me blocked on my FB. And that is the only way I can send this to you. I just wish you could read this. And that you could understand where Im coming from. Youre all Ive been able to think about. And how I want to try and fix this. Shay, I swear on my life... MY LIFE that I didnt lie to you, or your family.
If I wanted to drugs, God knows I could get them myself in Saskatoon. Why drive 7 hours and then lie about your friend offering to get me high.

It doesnt make sense Shay. And you know it.